Alphabet Soup: Abasia
by Windfighter
Summary: The second expedition to the Silent World is over and Lalli longs to return home, but entering the boat proved harder than he thought it would.


And we're starting of the Alphabet Soup-challenge in the ssss-forum with a short story about Lalli and Emil! Because I can't write about any one else.

 **Warnings:** A boat, small spaces, _hugging_ , implied suicide attempts, a train and goodbyes.

* * *

It hadn't been that hard the year before. Lalli hadn't thought it'd be so much harder this year. He stopped in the middle of a step and looked at the large boat that was supposed to take him home. Home. That's where he wanted to go, wasn't it? He had been waiting for this day during the whole expedition, had prayed every night to the gods that this year they'd return _before_ his non-immune cousin was injured by a troll.

Tuuri pulled at his sleeve to get him to start walking again and he took two steps before stopping once more. He didn't fear the sea sickness. Uncomfortable as it was he could sleep through it. He longed for the quiet in his empty apartment, longed for the stillness in the Finnish forests. He took another step, then stopped again. He longed for life on the other side of the sea, but something held him back, made him hesitate, and he looked back to the building.

Torbjörn and Siv was talking about something, Siv had her hand on Emil's shoulder. Emil was looking at Lalli, his lips smiling, but his eyes were sad and empty. Lalli looked at Tuuri, looked at Emil again. He felt guilty, but he knew he couldn't have done anything different. He knew Emil didn't blame him, knew Emil wouldn't want him to blame himself. Was it guilt that held him back? Emil waved towards him, motioned for him to hurry. Siv bent down to hug Emil and Lalli looked away again.

Lalli had tried so hard to make Emil stop hurting, but nothing he did had helped. He had tried distracting him, talking with him, just being close to him. He had told Emil every day that it would get better and that he shouldn't feel like a burden to the rest of them and they didn't mind. Mikkel had said the same things, and some days Lalli had thought Emil listened to them, took their words to heart, but... Lalli stopped walking again, looked at the boat. Sigrun had teased him. It was just teasing, light-hearted fun between workmates, but Emil had taken it so hard he... Lalli clenched his fists. What if he'd do another attempt now that Lalli wouldn't be there to watch over him? Lalli didn't think he would, Emil had seemed to adjust well after they got back home and he wasn't confined to the bed any longer, when he hadn't needed Mikkel to carry him if he wanted fresh air, but the risk was still there.

Tuuri turned to look at him, gestured for him to hurry up and Onni placed a hand on his back, tried to press him forward. Lalli let his cousin and mentor lead him for a couple of seconds, then pressed hit heels between two planks so he couldn't be moved. This was wrong. As much as he wanted to go home he knew he couldn't, knew he'd spent every second over there worrying about if Emil was still alive, if he was still taking it well. Onni stopped pressing against Lalli's back and Lalli looked towards the building again.

They were waiting for the elevator now. The train would leave in half an hour and getting Emil onboard wouldn't be the easiest. Torbjörn had suggested for Emil to stay at home while they dropped of the Finns, but Emil had wanted to come along, had wanted to say goodbye. What if he had been so persistent because he knew he wouldn't see them again? Lalli grabbed Tuuri's shoulder and she looked at him, clearly confused, and he leaned down, put his arms around her. An unusual display of affection and it felt weird, but he knew she would have wanted it.

"I'll see you next year."

"Lalli?"

"Next year", he repeated. "For the next expedition."

Tuuri glanced towards the building.

"I'm not sure it'll be another after what happened."

"Then come visit some day."

Lalli pulled away from her, looked at Onni.

"I'll keep in touch."

"Be careful."

Lalli nodded, started walking, but Onni pulled him back, embraced him, and Lalli let it happen, just this once. Onni let go of him and he waved goodbye to Taru before he rushed back to the building. The elevator hadn't arrived and Lalli rushed over to them, leaned down and hugged Emil.

"I'm staying with you."

"You shouldn't."

"I want to."

Emil lifted his arms, placed them around Lalli and Lalli could feel the other shaking, could feel his own shoulder getting wet as Emil pressed against it.

"I won't be much fun to hang around."

Lalli pulled his fingers through Emil's hair, pulled away from the hug and dried the other's tears.

"I don't mind. I'll help you."

"It'll be tough."

"Don't care. You'd do the same."

Emil laughed, shook his head.

"Please don't break your back, Lalli."

"No promises. But I'll try. Wouldn't want to end up like you."

Emil shook his head again and Lalli saw the pain returning to the other's eyes. He patted Emil's head, crouched so they'd be at eye-level because Emil hated how everyone had to look down on him.

"I don't care that you can't walk, okay? I still want to help you."

"But..."

Lalli placed a hand on Emil's knee.

"I don't mind. I'll be there when you fall apart, when you need help, no matter how tough it'll get. Okay?"

"I can't forbid you."

"You can."

The elevator arrived and Lalli got up, took Siv's place behind the wheelchair and rolled Emil into the elevator. It was small and Siv and Torbjörn left to take the stairs instead. Lalli placed a hand on Emil's shoulder as the doors closed.

"But you won't."

"I won't. Thank you, Lalli."

Lalli watched as Emil clenched his hands, hugged his shoulder slightly.

"Promise me one thing, Emil."

"What?"

Lalli smiled.

"Don't fall off another building, okay?"

Emil laughed, tilted his head backwards so he could look at Lalli.

"I promise to not even _climb_ another building. Especially not one with trolls in it."

The doors opened and Lalli rolled Emil out, waved to Siv and Torbjörn and steered Emil towards the train.

"That's all I'm asking."

It'd feel weird not to have his own home, not being in Finland, but Lalli knew he was where he needed to be. He was with his friend and he knew that if the roles had been reversed Emil would have done the same thing for him. He hugged Emil's shoulder again, Torbjörn helped him get the weelchair up the stairs and into the train. Lalli looked towards the boat once they had settled down, waved to it. Emil also lifted a hand and waved to the boat, turned to Lalli and smiled. Lalli knew he should be sad about not going home, but he returned the smile, leaned back and closed his eyes.

He'd meet Onni and Tuuri again, but for now his place was at Emil's side.


End file.
